Momma Knight Owl

It's been a week today since Hunter was delivered. Aric went back to work. I've spent the last hour meal planning with no restrictions because I'm not nauseous and sick to my stomach anymore. I've written a birth story about all my children and Hunter will be no different. From the beginning of this pregnancy I was terrified. I am no stranger to death and losing a child. I was experiencing panic attacks, night terrors, and heart palpitations. Trying to remain calm was just not going to happen. But somewhere between 14 weeks and last Friday, November 16th I had found hope again. Hope would then turn into devastation when we learned on Friday the 16th in the morning that once again my baby had died. At that time we didn't know if it was a boy or girl but this baby was with it's big brother Jackson in heaven. I called Aric and simply said, "you need to come home." and hung up. I didn't need to say anything else... he knew. I was given my options, ...

I often find myself feeling like my baby wasn't baby enough. An early 2nd trimester loss is confusing for some people. It's not an early loss and it's not a full term baby. These are purely my own personal emotions. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Out of that 1 only 1% are after the first trimester. Such a small number but I personally know so many families walking the same path as me. I think people have a hard time grasping what an early 2nd trimester loss looks like. Most end with a surgical procedure, but we decided to go on a route less traveled. It took me 12 hours to dilate enough for Jackson to pass. 12 hours unmedicated. I didn't realize just how painful it was going to be. No pain compares to holding your son at a gestational age that many do not and will not get to see. I wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared and I'm going to share with you that it was traumatic. My brain and heart could not wrap around him. I felt like no matter what we would ha...

    Sunday, December 4th I got that first faint positive pregnancy test. So faint in fact, that I thought I was having "line eyes" as my friends like to call it. Every morning for the next 4 days I would take a test. Each day the lines got darker. I was terrified. You see, just 4 months earlier we had an early miscarriage. I told Aric on that Friday and just cried while I sat on the kitchen island. That Night I went to our annual christmas ornament exchange and shared the good news with hesitation. I knew that I could lose the baby and tried to prepare myself. Monday and Wednesday that upcoming week I had Hcg levels drawn and confirmed a pregnancy. Still hesitaunt but trusting.      The first 2 weeks of my pregnancy were horrible. I had an extreme case of food poisoning. Nothing like I had ever gone through before. It took me over a month to heal from it. Christmas came and went and Aric and I enjoyed this secret we shared. Except Aricah, she knew from the b...

May 28th my due date came and went. I had been haveing pesky prodromal labor all weekend and was starting to get a little frustrated. I continued to work that week with no signs of babe ever coming. My last work day was Thursday and hubby said this is a perfect weekend to have a baby. I'm off Friday-Monday. I said, "I doubt it babe."  Well we both were surprised when Friday  June 7th at 9am rolled around and I started screaming Aric to come upstairs. Standing at the foot of bed waters gushing.  "Did your water just break?" He asked.  "Noooo not at all!" I snapped back.  I got all excited baby is coming today!! Girls are squealing running through the house. I  called my midwife, doulas, birth photographer and select family to let them know something would happen soonish.  I cleaned myself up and went downstairs. I made 4 scramble eggs and chugged water. No contractions (ctx) yet but I knew they would start soon. Noon rolled around stil...

I'm now just days away from my estimated due date. I'm nervous about what our new life will look like. I'm excited to heal from multiple traumatic births. I'm anxious to meet my newest precious princess. But most of all I'm great ful to carry another healthy baby girl and have the courage, strength and support to birth her at home.  I'm now questioning every contraction (which I have many) and tinge of pain. I'm checking for all the signs of early labor. This is the annoying fun part. She's keeping me on my toes. Will she be early? Late? On time? She has to be one of them :)  Her bed is clean and ready, clothes washed and set out for her first couple days, diapers are prepped and stuffed, video camera is charged, homebirth kit is ready and we finally have all the kinks worked out on filling the pool! We have our corner where the pool will go measured and cleared. The only thing left to do it wait. Something you can't prepare for. I'm Savoring eve...

After the birth of Brynlee I knew any subsequent pregnancies I wanted a home birth. Her labor and delivery opened my eyes and made me realize a hospital birth was not for me and I would NEVER allow any "professional" to treat me that way again!  When Bryn was over a year old I started becoming apart of our local homebirth community. Soaking in information asking some questions. I stayed in contact with Felicia (who was my doula) pretty regularly. I knew it was a matter of time before we would try again. I had certain things that needed to happen though before deciding on a fourth. 1st was to figure out my prolapse bladder issue, 2nd  working on my ph levels and 3rd, the big one, buying a house.  In August of 2013 we put a bid on a house. After counter offering lots of times we decided to back off. A week later we got a call that the seller wanted to work with us and accepted our highest offer. That's when the fun began. The last week of August I found out I was pregnant. ...

From the previous blog you can understand how emotional I was during this entire pregnancy. Side note. I had to see an allergist this pregnancy from a reaction at the dentist. Learned I'm allergic to some preservatives in medications and anesthetics. Which explained my reactions to an epidural I had a previous labor. So my cnp recommended with my emotional state plus having to go natural I needed to seek a doula. A what? I thought. So off I went to do research. Luckily my aunt had a friend who was a doula and put me in touch with her. We talked and she gave me helpful advice about what questions to ask and assured me this was something I could do. I think I was 20ish weeks at this point. My main concern was just making it full term. I was having no luck finding any doula Searching the web. So for some reason I get a nudge to search on Craigslist. Why not I thought. That's where I found Felicia. I emailed her and she was quick to respond. I was sooo nervous. We set up a...