Jackson's Life and Death
The first 2 weeks of my pregnancy were horrible. I had an extreme case of food poisoning. Nothing like I had ever gone through before. It took me over a month to heal from it. Christmas came and went and Aric and I enjoyed this secret we shared. Except Aricah, she knew from the begining. And loved it. She would rub my belly and whisper baby in my ear every night. We had 2 reasons for not telling any one. The first was my brother was going to propose and we wanted them to have all the lime light and second we wanted to make sure things were progressing well.
December 29th. I had my first ultrasound for viability. I saw my little bean and was so happy. I got to see the fluttering of the heart and take home a picture. We were breathing a little easier but knew this to, could potentially not last.
By now we are trying to figure out how we are going to tell everyone. We wanted it to be together and a huge surprise, but we wanted to tell the girls first. Not an easy task. Bryn's birthday party was coming up and thought that would be the perfect time. The whole family would be here and we could tell the girls right before. The night before Bryn's party I got cold feet and told Aric I still wanted to wait. He agreed. Then that night I scheduled a gender reveal ultrasound and thought we would just tell everyone that we are having a girl or boy and it would be a complete shocker. Felt good about this and was so excited. We have reached the 12 week mark and all fears were gone. I'm now busily preparing for a home birth. Interviewing midwives and crushing some fears that I had regarding birth and nursing.
February 18th the night before our ultrasound we decide to tell the girls. They knew something had been up. Completely oblivious though. We had been discussing getting a puppy but then found out we were expecting and decided it wasn't the right time. We kept telling them it was better than a puppy and that they would love it. So, we sat them down, drew it out, then told them. We recorded it and I enjoyed watching it over and over focusing on each one of them and watched how they processed it. In the end they were over the moon and excited about a new little baby. So were we. The secret was out and they now understood some things that had happened the last month or so.
Our cover story was we were meeting Kasey at college because the girls were dying to see it. (All true) But an hour before I texted him an address and asked if they'd meet us there first for a surprise. I could hear the excitement over text and was just ready to see our bean and find out what we were having. Longest morning and afternoon ever!
When we got into the building everyone was thrilled. We were talking about the future with 5 kids, names, suspicions, we even took a poll on who thought what. Memories forever engraved into my mind. They were about 45 minutes behind so we waited anxiously but patiently.
Britney? Ya? Follow me please. the girls and my family shuffle in They settle in on the couch. I climb on up in the bed and prepared my phone to Facebook live it to my home birth group. Kasey recorded the girls. The tech said op! Butt first! Then she said she was going to get me some water to get the baby to move. In comes 2 techs and I down the glass of water. Girls squealing with excitement. I was smiling from ear to ear. Then the tech whispers, "I think you should have the children leave." I was utterly confused. Without asking why she saw the question on my face and said, "we aren't seeing whats to be expected." I look at her dumb founded trying to figure out what was going on. I then asked, "Is there a heartbeat?" She hesitantly replied, "We aren't allowed to say that, but no, there is no heart beat." For a split second I started to lose it. I quickly regained some composure, turned around and asked Kasey to take the girls out. That's when I lost it.
I asked her how far the baby was measuring and she went ahead and did the ultrasound. I just wanted to know how long I had been carrying around a baby that wasn't alive. I had for sure felt flutters that week and possibly the week before and I just wanted to know if that could be true. She measured and I was actually measuring 3-5 days further than my due date. She again said she couldn't give that information but said according to measurements our baby passed within the last 24 hours. Aric and I stood there and just cried. In my mind I'm trying to figure out how to tell my children. I'm thinking why did we tell anyone at all! Why is this happening! The longest minutes of my life. I couldn't believe it. I had moved past not being scared. I was past this point. I grabbed my stomach and just cried some more. I collect myself as best I could and walk back out to the waiting room.
While outside I just held my children. They asked perfect questions, but I had no answers for them. It was as if I was outside of my body looking in. I just sat there numb knowing I couldn't fall apart or scream or run because they were all there and desperately needed me. Some how I managed to walk away to call my OB and let Aric hold them for a bit. I had no clue what I was suppose to do. I was vomiting just that morning and the nausea was worse than ever. I was able to get ahold of her right away and explained what happened. I decided to just wait and let my body do things naturally. I walked back to the girls and told Aric I was ready to go home. They pleaded that we still go to pizza and see Kasey's room. I said ok.
25 minutes to pizza was the longest quietest ride ever. Girls crying, I was silently crying and tears pouring down my face. I realized on our way there that my children needed this. We just couldn't go home full of sadness and grief. We needed a buffer. Sitting in that booth everyone was so serine. Thoughts racing through my mind unable to just focus on one thing. Wanting to cry and just break down, but knowing I had to be strong. When we were done eating I just went ahead and sat in the car alone before they got there. I called my homebirth midwife and again explained what had happened. During that call I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding. That's when I saw the girls in the mirror and had to pull it together.
Tiffany and KK put the girls in the car and just broke down in my brothers chest. He's so tall my head barely reaches his chest, but I buried in anyway. Cried for a minute and got back in the car to head to his college. Girls loved every minute of it and I was glad I could give that to them. We said our goodbyes and headed the 2 hours home. Once we got on the highway I got more anxious. How were we going to tell everyone that we were pregnant but the baby isn't alive?! Aric just held my hand. It wasn't until we got to Wilmington that I called Aric's mom.
I asked her if she was sitting down and in the red room away from the little ones. She went in and sat down. I then had to tell her we were 14 weeks pregnant and our baby didn't have a heart beat. I'm so numb now that I didn't cry just told her the facts. My mom was at an event and I was having a hard time reaching her and didn't want to bother her. It wasn't until I got home did I call her.
All the girls were either asleep or watching tv. I was upstairs in bed with Aricah she was calm and could tell something was wrong. She wouldn't let me go and kept rubbing my belly. In that moment I knew I couldn't wait to let my body do this. How was I going to explain to my children for weeks that I had a dead baby inside me? I finally called my mom and told her I needed her now and explained a little. She immediately came over. While she was on her way I called Wantina and told her I'm just to the ER. I can't do this and I just need it over. She told me to breathe and she would call dr p&v to figure something out. She called me back and explained that there wasn't an ultrasound tech in tonight for a second confirmation ultrasound. She asked if I could get some rest tonight and come into the office first thing that next morning? I said that was ok.
My mom took all the girls home so Aric and I could rest. Although, we didn't get much rest. We just held each other and cried, no wept. I just laid there, holding my empty but not empty belly. Also praying for a miracle.
Sunday morning came and we drove to the office. There it was confirmed that our baby indeed had no heart beat. I wish I had some divine moment of truth, but I didn't. It was just complete and utter heart break. Wantina and Kristen just held me and cried with me. Dr. V explained my options, wait and let nature take its course, d&c or induction. I already knew I wanted an induction. I was able to muster the words to tell her that my one and only goal was to have an intact baby. I just needed to hold my baby and see him/her. I knew I would regret it forever if I didn't.
We then head to Mercy Anderson Labor and Delivery. Get all checked in went to the first room on the left. The room was so solemn. The nurse calmly spoke. Up until now we had thought Jackson was a girl and named her Elsie after Aric's great gramma. Elsie also means "pledged to God" It came to me in the car and knew it was perfect in every way. She wrote her name on the board and made small talk about our family.
Now comes the cytotec a drug administered vaginally to ripen my cervix and dilate. I got my first round at 11 am. I don't think it was until 2 or 3 that it finally started to kick in and I was in a lot of pain. I asked my birth team to then come. I needed distraction and help coping. It was definitely labor pains and I was not prepared to go through that this soon. I also didn't have something to look forward to. Aric was amazing and I could tell he was hurting just as much as I was. We managed to laugh and cry and laugh some more. It was all bitter sweet. We had great company, but we all knew why we were there.
I think it was 5 or 6 and my water broke. Shocked I said wooooaaaahhhh I think my water just broke! It was just so much and startled me. It kept coming and coming! Certain the baby would be here soon. But lots of time passed and still nothing. I just decided to sleep. I didn't want to walk or do things to progress. Just wanted to rest. Around 8ish my team decided to take turns with 3 hour shifts. Kristen would stay 9-12 and Wantina would come after, then Melissa. With all the lights out I slept. Of course waking up every hour for vitals. Then around 10:45pm I woke up in the dark and silence to waves of contractions. They were fierce but I was breathing threw them. They lasted about 30 seconds but were coming fast. I needed to pee so I hopped up to do that then sat back down on my bed. Some reason I didn't lay back down I just sat there crying alone in the dark. Next thing I knew a gush happened and I felt her come out. I prominently called for Aric and said she came out. I texted Kristen NOW and paged my nurse that she came out.
I was scared. I didn't want to move. I was hesitant to look. Dr V came in made sure I was ok and then reached for the baby. Aric got to cut the cord and she examined the baby. She looks up at both of us and says, "Well, that's a weiner!" For a second I smiled then I lost it and proclaimed that this was even worse as I buried my head into Aric. I just cried and he cried. We cried together. She asked If I wanted to hold him. Not really wanting to I said yes anyway. He was so small and light. He was perfectly formed yet not alive. I held my son. I held my first born son and he wasn't alive. It was the most incredible, horrible feeling ever. I finally had a son! But not how I wanted at all. What a cruel punishment. To give me a son that I longed for only for him to be ripped from me!
To gaze at your child and get flashes of a future that will never come is the worst feeling in the world. I truly do not think we will ever experience anything worse. This is it. Holding a child that's no longer here is it. Not knowing why, is it. Kristen took pictures for us and I am so grateful. At the time it was all too much, but now I wish I had done more.
Another desire I had was to not put him in a bag. I wanted a box. Wanted something dignified to respect my tiny, but precious child. They had a box and a beautiful wedding dress piece to wrap him in. We didn't hold him and look at him for long. It was just incredibly hard for me. So the nurse weighed and measured him and put him in his box. At 11:08pm our son was born at 1.5 ounces and 12 cm long. As she is tending to him Dr V asks what we will name him? Jackson Sherman has been our sons name for 5 years. We loved Jackson and it meant God's Gracious Gift. Sherman is a family name. Aric's grandfather. Each of our children have a name sake. Jackson's was always Sherman. It wasn't until years later that we learned Sherman was born and raised in Jackson County Ky. It was just perfect... hard but perfect.
Jackson has impacted my life in so many ways. Some have yet to be revealed to me. We honored our son. We have no regrets. We buried him next to his namesake in Jackson County and its literally the most perfect thing ever. If there is just one thing I could say about our experience it would be to know your options. You do not have to have surgery. You can deliver your baby, hold your baby, mourn your baby, no matter how small. But any decision made by you is the right decision. Deliver your baby how you see fit, confidently, and with out fear. Know that you are not alone and that you and your baby are loved and never forgotten.
Our Jackson was loved and cherished. He is apart of us. My children have a little brother. Aricah is still a big sister. I'll never get over him. I will think of him always. When I gaze up to the heavens I will smile and say hello. I long for the moment when I can hold him. Even though he will more than likely be a head taller than me. I will look for him everywhere. In the smallest of bugs or the winds flowing through my hair. Oh, what I would give to still be pregnant right now. That's just not the journey we were given.
Momma loves you Jackson...
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