The home birth of Aricah Joan

May 28th my due date came and went. I had been haveing pesky prodromal labor all weekend and was starting to get a little frustrated. I continued to work that week with no signs of babe ever coming.

My last work day was Thursday and hubby said this is a perfect weekend to have a baby. I'm off Friday-Monday. I said, "I doubt it babe." 

Well we both were surprised when Friday  June 7th at 9am rolled around and I started screaming Aric to come upstairs. Standing at the foot of bed waters gushing. 

"Did your water just break?" He asked. 

"Noooo not at all!" I snapped back. 

I got all excited baby is coming today!! Girls are squealing running through the house. I called my midwife, doulas, birth photographer and select family to let them know something would happen soonish. 

I cleaned myself up and went downstairs. I made 4 scramble eggs and chugged water. No contractions (ctx) yet but I knew they would start soon. Noon rolled around still nothing. Decided to go to my 3 o'clock appointment to chiro to see if it would jump start things. Left early to stop at Kroger first to pick up some last minute things. Had a couple intense ctx but nothing regular. 

Doctor did an awesome adjustment and I just knew this would work. On the car ride home ctx were still inconsistent and all over the place. Started to get pretty frustrated. I did the dishes, made some lemonade and ate a sandwhich. Around 7 I asked my midwife to just come and check vitals for baby and I around 9 to make sure we looked ok. 

By the time my midwife got here ctx were still all over the place and I was handling them well. Our vitals were good and decided to hop in pool. Only to hop right back out for a snack and to do some stairs. Then I decided I would just rest. So we all did. Aric got girls to sleep 

I think he took a nap. Midwife took a nap, and I tried to rest In between the irregular ctx. I think it was 11 and with everyone still asleep I got in the pool. Handling them well by myself. I'm thinking it was midnight and my voice was getting loader Aric and midwife came by my side. Ctx were still very irregular. Just a short 45 minutes we are calling/texting our doula, back up doula and photographer. I remember my midwife saying they need to hurry.

 

Normally, my hubby is back seat and I like it that way. But he was so encouraging and right there with me during every ctx. And to my surprise I needed it. I needed him. I'm now having a hard time coping and dealing. I'm in a massive amount of pain not really finding a position that I like. At one point I had Aric on one side doula on another and midwife creating a downward wave of counter pressure which extremely helped me to focus the pain. 

Sometime around then the girls wake up and are excited to meet their sissy. I can here their excitement but it's blurry. 

1am the urges to push started. I pushed for a little bit in the pool (an hr?) but I was having the urge to poo also and it was distracting and not allowing me to do what I needed. This is when everything spiraled for me. 

I pronounced I have to get out of the pool. Went to the floor screaming. Then I ran into the bathroom screaming not focusing just histerical. I don't know maybe 5 minutes of crazyness in the bathroom I found a position and I wasn't moving. I began pushing with almost every ctx. This felt like forever. I kept saying I can't do this. And I kept thinking in my head why isn't she coming? this is taking to long, she must be huge, what if I can't get her out? Did I make a huge mistake? 

Groaning and grunting like a wild animal I could feel her coming then going back up. Which was also frustrating. I was doing everything right I was seriously pushing and it wasn't working. 

I had my left side holding my self up and my right hand putting so much pressure against the bathroom door. I now look at this door differently it held me and supported me. When my entire left side was falling asleep and going numb I just put more pressure on that door. Scared to death to move I fought through the numbness. 

Now my pushes were productive"ish" I still couldn't move her down. The ring of fire or crowning was there for 30 minutes. I kept yelling I can't push through it! And I couldn't. And I was pushing hard. I can't remember how many sets of pushes but it was the longest most painful thing I've ever had to endure. 

I finally, pushed through and pulled her up to my chest. 3:37 am. Still in pain still frustrated as to why I had to work so hard. When it was told to me she came out posterior.

I couldn't hold her. Aric had to. I'm so dazed and uncomfortable. My body completely numb. After pains worse than ever. Still having to deliver placenta. Still moaning and wanting to cry. 

Once the placenta was delivered Aric took her out of bathroom. I'm still in so much pain while getting cleaned up. So exhausted I'm dizzy and seeing double. Just wanting to sleep. Glad it's over. Already thinking in my head this is it I can't do it again, I just birthed my last baby. 

She's weighed and measured. 7lbs 11 oz. whaaaaatt?! Total surprise to everyone! Since I have 8 and 9 lbers! 22 1/2 inches long. Looks great.  Jada cuts the cord and she nurses like a champ. 

In my head I'm dealing with a ton of emotions. This was not what it was suppose to be like. I was suppose to heal from this. This was suppose to be calm and blissful, picture perfect. I was suppose to be this super woman and rock it. Although it was said over and over that I was doing great and I got this. I didn't feel that way. I felt like I had failed the one thing my body was designed to do. I lost all control. And have been very insecure with myself since. I've been questioning all my abilities as a mom.

 I've even questioned writing my story. Fear of judgement. Since this was what I wanted. I was in complete control with my decision. But... This was my birth. Yes it was horribly awful for me, but It's mine and I need to own it. Birth is not black or white. It's an unpredidictable moment in time. 

Now 4 days later I'm still processing but I'm seeing the positives. Like, if in a hospital they never would have let me go 15 hrs with none to irregular ctx. They would have cut me the 30 minutes she was crowning and I couldn't push through. I would have never been able to deliver the way I did, the only way that I could get a grove with. Watching the video back. The girls' squeals as mommy pulls her up are priceless. And the number 1 most positive thing that occurred. My husband and him being there every step of the way. Just knowing that makes pretty much all of it worth it. 

He is my rock. And I love him more now than ever! I could not have done it with out him. I'm so glad my husband is my husband. He's amazing.