After a Miscarriage
I often find myself feeling like my baby wasn't baby enough. An early 2nd trimester loss is confusing for some people. It's not an early loss and it's not a full term baby. These are purely my own personal emotions. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Out of that 1 only 1% are after the first trimester. Such a small number but I personally know so many families walking the same path as me.
I think people have a hard time grasping what an early 2nd trimester loss looks like. Most end with a surgical procedure, but we decided to go on a route less traveled. It took me 12 hours to dilate enough for Jackson to pass. 12 hours unmedicated. I didn't realize just how painful it was going to be. No pain compares to holding your son at a gestational age that many do not and will not get to see. I wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared and I'm going to share with you that it was traumatic. My brain and heart could not wrap around him. I felt like no matter what we would have never been prepared for that. I google imaged what to expect and still wasn't ready. My son was this tiny, very red baby. He had all his features. What sticks out most were his defining collar bones and knee caps. Lately, I've been regretting not letting the girls see and hold him. I feel like I robbed them of something. Even though it's still so traumatic for me I'm playing what if scenarios all the time. I know they would not have been able to understand.
We only held him for a short period of time. I regret that now. I quickly wanted him to go in his box. That box sat right beside Aric and I. I only opened it one more time after that. But seeing your decomposing child was excruciating. I was wheeled out of the hospital gripping that tiny box. I held it so tightly on the way home my hands were dripping with sweet. Then we put his box in the fridge. For 6 days his dead body was in our home. I wouldn't have had it any other way, but I can still see it when I open the fridge. The night before his funeral Aric checked on him one last time before gluing it shut. We've never talked about it and I regret so much for not dong it together.
Post part was horrendous. I bled for 4 months straight. On my birthday I thought I was going to die in a pool of my own blood. Naked and alone in the shower only for my children to come find me. I envisioned my headstone having the same birth and death dates written on it. I was passing clots the size of my fists. I had no idea what was going on and this happened 3 more separate times after.
I've been very protective of him. I've never shared his photos, the girls still haven't seen them. 7 months later and his images hurt me. I can't wrap my head around them and I fear others will think differently of him. I struggle with it. But I am going to go way out of my comfort zone and share an abstract photo of my son. The only way I was comfortable doing it was this way. I want to protect myself, yet still share my story. Again, 7 months later and I'm not ok. Not even a little. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot. I get frustrated about different emotions I have.
For instance, we purchased Jackson's headstone a couple weeks ago. (something I never imagined I would do) I cried, no I bawled over the stone color. It was going to be double and almost triple for the 2 colors we wanted. I just didn't understand why the basic color wasn't good enough? A couple days later I realized that I was worried about an elaborate, expensive stone for my tiny, 4 month gestation baby. What would people really think if they knew we buried a child less than 6cm long?! I know I shouldn't care but my anxiety ran with it. Luckily Aric made an executive decision so I didn't have to feel so guilty for wanting to spend 1k on a tiny stone for our son.
Long story, not so short... Sometimes I feel so alone while not alone. I feel like no one understands what really goes on after a loss. I feel like I have to justify that I birthed a baby! Again my own personal insecurities. I don't know if I will ever feel differently. But I do know that I feel a little better saying these feelings out loud. I've wanted to but just didn't have enough courage. I want to speak out about pregnancy loss. It just doesn't get better, you always live with the loss of your child. This is something my family and I live with daily. My children grieve so openly, through words and pictures. I'm elated that they feel they have a safe space to do so. But man does it hurt so very badly. I wish deeply that this never happened to us. I do not want to be 1 in 4. However, that's not the hand I was dealt. I am part of a club that shouldn't exist. I love you all deeply and I mourn right along side you. I encourage you to reach out to a friend this month. Tell them you love them and their baby(ies) are not forgotten.
Much love...
I think people have a hard time grasping what an early 2nd trimester loss looks like. Most end with a surgical procedure, but we decided to go on a route less traveled. It took me 12 hours to dilate enough for Jackson to pass. 12 hours unmedicated. I didn't realize just how painful it was going to be. No pain compares to holding your son at a gestational age that many do not and will not get to see. I wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared and I'm going to share with you that it was traumatic. My brain and heart could not wrap around him. I felt like no matter what we would have never been prepared for that. I google imaged what to expect and still wasn't ready. My son was this tiny, very red baby. He had all his features. What sticks out most were his defining collar bones and knee caps. Lately, I've been regretting not letting the girls see and hold him. I feel like I robbed them of something. Even though it's still so traumatic for me I'm playing what if scenarios all the time. I know they would not have been able to understand.
We only held him for a short period of time. I regret that now. I quickly wanted him to go in his box. That box sat right beside Aric and I. I only opened it one more time after that. But seeing your decomposing child was excruciating. I was wheeled out of the hospital gripping that tiny box. I held it so tightly on the way home my hands were dripping with sweet. Then we put his box in the fridge. For 6 days his dead body was in our home. I wouldn't have had it any other way, but I can still see it when I open the fridge. The night before his funeral Aric checked on him one last time before gluing it shut. We've never talked about it and I regret so much for not dong it together.
Post part was horrendous. I bled for 4 months straight. On my birthday I thought I was going to die in a pool of my own blood. Naked and alone in the shower only for my children to come find me. I envisioned my headstone having the same birth and death dates written on it. I was passing clots the size of my fists. I had no idea what was going on and this happened 3 more separate times after.
I've been very protective of him. I've never shared his photos, the girls still haven't seen them. 7 months later and his images hurt me. I can't wrap my head around them and I fear others will think differently of him. I struggle with it. But I am going to go way out of my comfort zone and share an abstract photo of my son. The only way I was comfortable doing it was this way. I want to protect myself, yet still share my story. Again, 7 months later and I'm not ok. Not even a little. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot. I get frustrated about different emotions I have.
For instance, we purchased Jackson's headstone a couple weeks ago. (something I never imagined I would do) I cried, no I bawled over the stone color. It was going to be double and almost triple for the 2 colors we wanted. I just didn't understand why the basic color wasn't good enough? A couple days later I realized that I was worried about an elaborate, expensive stone for my tiny, 4 month gestation baby. What would people really think if they knew we buried a child less than 6cm long?! I know I shouldn't care but my anxiety ran with it. Luckily Aric made an executive decision so I didn't have to feel so guilty for wanting to spend 1k on a tiny stone for our son.
Long story, not so short... Sometimes I feel so alone while not alone. I feel like no one understands what really goes on after a loss. I feel like I have to justify that I birthed a baby! Again my own personal insecurities. I don't know if I will ever feel differently. But I do know that I feel a little better saying these feelings out loud. I've wanted to but just didn't have enough courage. I want to speak out about pregnancy loss. It just doesn't get better, you always live with the loss of your child. This is something my family and I live with daily. My children grieve so openly, through words and pictures. I'm elated that they feel they have a safe space to do so. But man does it hurt so very badly. I wish deeply that this never happened to us. I do not want to be 1 in 4. However, that's not the hand I was dealt. I am part of a club that shouldn't exist. I love you all deeply and I mourn right along side you. I encourage you to reach out to a friend this month. Tell them you love them and their baby(ies) are not forgotten.
Much love...
Jackson Sherman Kassner
2-19-2017
Jackson is forever loved and in our hearts. ❤ My heart aches for you. Sharing is part of healing..... thank you for opening your heart to share your feelings, its important for you to find the strength to do that and realize that those feelings are valid.
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