Hunter Wesley Kassner
It's been a week today since Hunter was delivered. Aric went back to work. I've spent the last hour meal planning with no restrictions because I'm not nauseous and sick to my stomach anymore. I've written a birth story about all my children and Hunter will be no different. From the beginning of this pregnancy I was terrified. I am no stranger to death and losing a child. I was experiencing panic attacks, night terrors, and heart palpitations. Trying to remain calm was just not going to happen. But somewhere between 14 weeks and last Friday, November 16th I had found hope again.
Hope would then turn into devastation when we learned on Friday the 16th in the morning that once again my baby had died. At that time we didn't know if it was a boy or girl but this baby was with it's big brother Jackson in heaven. I called Aric and simply said, "you need to come home." and hung up. I didn't need to say anything else... he knew.
I was given my options, d&c, hospital induction or try at home induction. I opted for at home induction. My doc sent off my prescriptions and I made myself back home. Aricah was very aware something was wrong but I didn't want to tell her anything without all the girls. So I silently wepted the entire car ride home. I was only home for about 5 minutes before Aric got there. We held each other crying. We made ourselves up to our bedroom where we all 3 cuddled before Aricah fell asleep. I just anxiously waited for the girls almost tempted to go get them from school. I kept thinking I dropped off 3 happy girls this morning and I was going to crush them once again.
I picked them up. they argued with me because I was suppose to be at work and why was daddy home?! I just let them argue. Giving them their last moments before utter heart break. I told them we all needed to go upstairs and talk. We all made our way. I grabbed as many hands as I could reach and told them each individually that I loved them. With tears welling up into my eyes I told them that the baby didn't have a heart beat any more and had died. Each just starred at me in disbelief before the rush of emotions took over them. Jada silently cried and asked again for confirmation, Tori buried her head into daddy and wepted, Bryn was angry and wouldn't let me touch her, Aricah didn't really understand and fake cried with her sisters. We just sat their holding each other for a bit until no one had any more questions and then they packed their bags to head over to my moms.
All of us together drove to kroger to get snacks, things for me and my prescriptions. We picked up dinner and took them to my moms. At 5:38 friday evening I took the first of many pills. The 15 minute car ride home and I'm already cramping. We get home and get settled in the living room watching Hallmark movies. Every 4 hours I took another dose. Severe cramping and horrible GI issues were all I was experiencing. That next morning I was going to miss a dose because I ran out and had to wait for the pharmacy to open. I decided to run a hot bath while I waited. The cramping was pretty unbearable at this point and My home birth midwife called to speak with my ob. At 1 o'clock my ob called and told me to take a break from the cytotec and start again in the morning at a lower dose and vaginally instead of orally. It had already been 20 hours since the start of the induction and the idea of waiting any longer was torture! Jackson was 12 hours from the start of induction, but I listened.
I had to keep myself busy so I literally detailed cleaned the entire first floor. I scrubbed toilets, swept, mopped. I thought if I couldn't take anymore meds I would try to induce by being on my feet. The house looked nice but that was exhausting and I took a big nap. After I woke up Aric went to go get chicken noodle soup my MIL made for us and I started binge watching the office. Around midnight saturday I almost just went ahead and administered the first dose but again I just waited. I slept ok...
Sunday morning 8 am I administered the first dosage and got into the bath. I think I spent 3 hours in there before climbing out to take a nap. I asked my parents to bring the girls over for a bit so I could love on them, check in to see how they were doing and just not feel so lonely for a bit. They were a hot mess. They were so full of emotions they just didn't know how to process it. It broke my heart more. I did this to them again and the guilt was heavy. This was around 1 or 2 and I was feeling very uncomfortable and dozed off for a bit. Only to be awoken by them coming to say goodbye. I made sure all teachers were aware of the situation and that there was a plan in place if school was just to much for them. And off they went. Aric got me some egg drop soup and I continued watching the office dozing in and out.
8pm I administered the second dose. I went down stairs and made my favorite cookies. Short bread cookies with raspberry jam. We watched walking dead and I watched talking dead as well. We headed upstairs and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to the worst contractions. I tried to change positions and it didn't help. I got up to empty my bladder because sometimes that helps... It didn't. But I glanced at the clock, 1:33 am. I sat on the toilet fully clothed hoping they would go away. They were strong and back to back. Not much relief between. I decided to run a bath. A water birth was what I had my heart set on so I'm trying to hurry. I get in with only 2-3 inches of water and I'm shivering because I'm freezing. One big contraction comes and I'm thinking I need to get into a better position. I drop a large glass cup in the process and woke Aric up. He asks if i'm ok and I said yes. The next contraction my water broke. I yelled for Aric because I knew this was it. The next contraction and he came out. 1:57 am. The cord was so short I had to half sit and kneel to keep him out of the water. Thats when we realized I didn't put scissors in the bathroom. Aric runs downstairs and comes back up to cut the cord. During this time I'm thinking, I can't believe how heavy he is. We placed him on a towel and thats when I look him over and see he is a boy. The next contraction my placenta came, which was a huge relief. The next couple minutes we just sat there looking at our son.
I cleaned myself up and got out of the bathroom. We weighed him and measured him. We got foot and hand prints. We took some pictures and put him in his box. We cried. I texted my family and we went to bed. There is so much more I want to add but that's his story. I'm not ok. I worked so forking hard last time. The idea that I have to do this again... I'm trying to keep everything as normal as possible but I'm tired and just don't want to sometimes. I feel like I'm leaving this very bitter. But I am bitter and maybe I'll edit it eventually... for right now this is as raw as it gets.
Hope would then turn into devastation when we learned on Friday the 16th in the morning that once again my baby had died. At that time we didn't know if it was a boy or girl but this baby was with it's big brother Jackson in heaven. I called Aric and simply said, "you need to come home." and hung up. I didn't need to say anything else... he knew.
I was given my options, d&c, hospital induction or try at home induction. I opted for at home induction. My doc sent off my prescriptions and I made myself back home. Aricah was very aware something was wrong but I didn't want to tell her anything without all the girls. So I silently wepted the entire car ride home. I was only home for about 5 minutes before Aric got there. We held each other crying. We made ourselves up to our bedroom where we all 3 cuddled before Aricah fell asleep. I just anxiously waited for the girls almost tempted to go get them from school. I kept thinking I dropped off 3 happy girls this morning and I was going to crush them once again.
I picked them up. they argued with me because I was suppose to be at work and why was daddy home?! I just let them argue. Giving them their last moments before utter heart break. I told them we all needed to go upstairs and talk. We all made our way. I grabbed as many hands as I could reach and told them each individually that I loved them. With tears welling up into my eyes I told them that the baby didn't have a heart beat any more and had died. Each just starred at me in disbelief before the rush of emotions took over them. Jada silently cried and asked again for confirmation, Tori buried her head into daddy and wepted, Bryn was angry and wouldn't let me touch her, Aricah didn't really understand and fake cried with her sisters. We just sat their holding each other for a bit until no one had any more questions and then they packed their bags to head over to my moms.
All of us together drove to kroger to get snacks, things for me and my prescriptions. We picked up dinner and took them to my moms. At 5:38 friday evening I took the first of many pills. The 15 minute car ride home and I'm already cramping. We get home and get settled in the living room watching Hallmark movies. Every 4 hours I took another dose. Severe cramping and horrible GI issues were all I was experiencing. That next morning I was going to miss a dose because I ran out and had to wait for the pharmacy to open. I decided to run a hot bath while I waited. The cramping was pretty unbearable at this point and My home birth midwife called to speak with my ob. At 1 o'clock my ob called and told me to take a break from the cytotec and start again in the morning at a lower dose and vaginally instead of orally. It had already been 20 hours since the start of the induction and the idea of waiting any longer was torture! Jackson was 12 hours from the start of induction, but I listened.
I had to keep myself busy so I literally detailed cleaned the entire first floor. I scrubbed toilets, swept, mopped. I thought if I couldn't take anymore meds I would try to induce by being on my feet. The house looked nice but that was exhausting and I took a big nap. After I woke up Aric went to go get chicken noodle soup my MIL made for us and I started binge watching the office. Around midnight saturday I almost just went ahead and administered the first dose but again I just waited. I slept ok...
Sunday morning 8 am I administered the first dosage and got into the bath. I think I spent 3 hours in there before climbing out to take a nap. I asked my parents to bring the girls over for a bit so I could love on them, check in to see how they were doing and just not feel so lonely for a bit. They were a hot mess. They were so full of emotions they just didn't know how to process it. It broke my heart more. I did this to them again and the guilt was heavy. This was around 1 or 2 and I was feeling very uncomfortable and dozed off for a bit. Only to be awoken by them coming to say goodbye. I made sure all teachers were aware of the situation and that there was a plan in place if school was just to much for them. And off they went. Aric got me some egg drop soup and I continued watching the office dozing in and out.
8pm I administered the second dose. I went down stairs and made my favorite cookies. Short bread cookies with raspberry jam. We watched walking dead and I watched talking dead as well. We headed upstairs and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to the worst contractions. I tried to change positions and it didn't help. I got up to empty my bladder because sometimes that helps... It didn't. But I glanced at the clock, 1:33 am. I sat on the toilet fully clothed hoping they would go away. They were strong and back to back. Not much relief between. I decided to run a bath. A water birth was what I had my heart set on so I'm trying to hurry. I get in with only 2-3 inches of water and I'm shivering because I'm freezing. One big contraction comes and I'm thinking I need to get into a better position. I drop a large glass cup in the process and woke Aric up. He asks if i'm ok and I said yes. The next contraction my water broke. I yelled for Aric because I knew this was it. The next contraction and he came out. 1:57 am. The cord was so short I had to half sit and kneel to keep him out of the water. Thats when we realized I didn't put scissors in the bathroom. Aric runs downstairs and comes back up to cut the cord. During this time I'm thinking, I can't believe how heavy he is. We placed him on a towel and thats when I look him over and see he is a boy. The next contraction my placenta came, which was a huge relief. The next couple minutes we just sat there looking at our son.
I cleaned myself up and got out of the bathroom. We weighed him and measured him. We got foot and hand prints. We took some pictures and put him in his box. We cried. I texted my family and we went to bed. There is so much more I want to add but that's his story. I'm not ok. I worked so forking hard last time. The idea that I have to do this again... I'm trying to keep everything as normal as possible but I'm tired and just don't want to sometimes. I feel like I'm leaving this very bitter. But I am bitter and maybe I'll edit it eventually... for right now this is as raw as it gets.
You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. I am praying for you, Aric, and your beautiful daughters. My heart is breaking for you, as i could not imagine ever losing a baby, let alone 2. Although I may not understand what you are going through, just know I'm here if you ever need a friend.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs your way.