My year in review

It's been a little over a year since I had my 1st home birth. I am so satisfied with my decision and would most definitely do it again. 

Even though my home birth was not euphoric or movie perfect like some bloggers want you to feel. It was mine and is what it is. I've now realized it was beautiful. I may be tooting my own horn but a friend made me realize this. She explained that I was so strong and brave for facing the most painful experience of my life and still go forward. Still not faulter in my decision to stay home to birth my baby. 

It was absolutely the hardest. Pushing for 3 hours when I've not experienced that with 3 previous vaginal births was mentally challenging. I explained to another friend that it's kind of like being deserted in the jungle alone for years. Many go insane or crazy. I went mentally crazy. Questioning my surroundings. Feeling like each person there couldn't help me in any way. And no one understood. Years alone in the jungle but in reality was only hrs. 

Which leads me to my biggest point. There needs to be so much more for postpartum women. This is a REAL thing. The emotional and mental well being of a new or seasoned mom are simply over looked. I was living with post partum depression for months! And I had no clue. I've had 4 children. I've heard all about it. The crying all the time, not taking care of herself and thinking of hurting her baby. I didn't have any of that. I was having anxiety attacks and feeling overwhelmed. Getting frustrated and blowing up at my husband. None of that is on a poster at the doctors office. 

I was also experiencing extreme nursing aversion. It's really hard to explain but when I would nurse my baby I would feel like my skin was crawling off or bugs were all over me. My legs and arms would painfully tingle. I couldn't stand her touching me and would want to throw her off of me. Only to feel guilt afterwards. I felt like the worst mom in the world and feeling this way alone. It wasn't until I opened up on my local baby wearing face book group that I learned that I was experiencing ppd/ppa and aversion. 

I made an appointment the next business day and she proscribed Paxil. The next 5 months on Paxil were great but the side effects were something else. The biggest for me was exhaustion. I was a zombie. On a weekend I literally would sleep all day! My husband would bring me the baby when hungry then I would text him to come get her. I finally decided to not renew the script and my energy bounced back almost overnight. It was great. I finished my kitchen remodel. I cleaned the whole house and got it back in order. We went to the zoo several times and had so much fun.  But the aversion starting creeping back in. So I decided my 13 month old needed to wean. 

Such a hard decision and still very fresh. It's been 2 whole days. She's ok and I'm ok. Nothing horrible has happened. I know I'm a good mom and have gone through a lot. I've grown so much this last year. I know I can do anything. 

For those struggling remember social media is one glimpse of real life. Someone may look so pretty but behind that pretty face could be so much hurt, frustration or sadness. One picture could be perfect of her little family but you don't see the mounding dishes or piles of laundry. Or the 4 suckers in her hand because she bribed them.  Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. 

Would you guess that my husband and I had arguably the worst fight of our married life this day? Also happened to be Mother's Day. I hope you get my point.