What's your 'Rainbow"

I have a rainbow baby. She's 5. She radiates sunshine and joy. She came the very next cycle after an early miscarriage. I didn't even morn over this miscarriage until I had my second loss. I didn't even know of "rainbow babies" until I was 6 months pregnant. Bear with me as I go through my thought.

I have had this ache for quite some time. Not really understanding it until a couple days ago. My Rainbow baby is my last. And here's the tricky part. Most of you that know me are aware that she's actually not the last. I have had 2, second trimester losses since her. I have 2 sons in heaven. Jackson and Hunter are not here with us. This longing I had to not stop my fertility on tragic loss... I believe stems from the fairy tale version of finally getting your rainbow baby. I make up a small percentage of families who have had children and then just all of a sudden can't anymore. With no reasons why. I have been struggling, longing to have this happy version, alternate ending if you will.

Are you still with me? I have now come to terms that a rainbow baby just isn't in the cards for us. Here's the epiphany! my rainbow doesn't have to be a baby. This is the important part, Women like me do not need a rainbow baby to end fertility. It does not make us inadequate or failures as mothers. It's not an unwritten rule. I've tried. And I would have loved to have a successful pregnancy. But here I am grieving not only the loss of my babies but also the loss of my fertility. 

Doubling back to the epiphany!!! My rainbow can be anything that brings me joy. My story doesn't have to end with grief. I have come to terms with events that have taken place that would not have been possible if my babies had survived. It's a double edged sword. I am in a safe enough place where I can love my sons and simultaneously love my life the way it is. 

I don't want any of this to knock someone who is trying for a child after loss. It's a beautiful thing. I love my Aricah. She is more my rainbow baby now than when she actually was one. She has seen me through the pits of depression. She is everything to me. My ray of sunshine. I was just feeling insecure and inadequate because I don't have a happy ending birth story and felt that maybe there were more moms like me. 

So moms if you are out there feeling defeated because you don't have a pinterest worthy happy ending in regards to your fertility. I encourage you to sway your way of thinking. What else is going on in your life that brings you joy? Is your marriage stronger than ever? Have you lost depression weight? Are you alive? Are you sleeping through the night? Did you get to go on a dream vacation? something else? My "rainbow" is all of the above. I will continue to get rainbows out of my life. Nothing with take the pain away from losing a child. Not even another baby. It's so important to find meaning and joy in any life we're given. 

As the beginning of pregnancy and infant loss awareness kicks off I thought it was important to get this off my chest. Also the perfect time. I hope the takeaway was how I intended and not negative.