Momma Knight Owl

I often find myself feeling like my baby wasn't baby enough. An early 2nd trimester loss is confusing for some people. It's not an early loss and it's not a full term baby. These are purely my own personal emotions. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Out of that 1 only 1% are after the first trimester. Such a small number but I personally know so many families walking the same path as me. I think people have a hard time grasping what an early 2nd trimester loss looks like. Most end with a surgical procedure, but we decided to go on a route less traveled. It took me 12 hours to dilate enough for Jackson to pass. 12 hours unmedicated. I didn't realize just how painful it was going to be. No pain compares to holding your son at a gestational age that many do not and will not get to see. I wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared and I'm going to share with you that it was traumatic. My brain and heart could not wrap around him. I felt like no matter what we would ha...

    Sunday, December 4th I got that first faint positive pregnancy test. So faint in fact, that I thought I was having "line eyes" as my friends like to call it. Every morning for the next 4 days I would take a test. Each day the lines got darker. I was terrified. You see, just 4 months earlier we had an early miscarriage. I told Aric on that Friday and just cried while I sat on the kitchen island. That Night I went to our annual christmas ornament exchange and shared the good news with hesitation. I knew that I could lose the baby and tried to prepare myself. Monday and Wednesday that upcoming week I had Hcg levels drawn and confirmed a pregnancy. Still hesitaunt but trusting.      The first 2 weeks of my pregnancy were horrible. I had an extreme case of food poisoning. Nothing like I had ever gone through before. It took me over a month to heal from it. Christmas came and went and Aric and I enjoyed this secret we shared. Except Aricah, she knew from the b...

Today, on the Eve of my 29th birthday I sat and compiled a bucket list. "30 before 30" I've thought about this for quite some time and knew I would like to do it. I didn't however, know that my life would be turned upside down when I was planning it. I feel that this is much more important now more than ever. I'm struggling to find purpose. I put on a happy face. Yes, sometimes I am indeed happy, but alone in the silence I am sad. Doing everyday tasks are hard and forceful. I don't want to feel this way. I believe in my faith. I find comfort in my faith. I know that this journey has purpose. So I decided that I want to make this next year a challenge. I want to push myself to be greater than I am, while having fun along the way. I hope you will follow along with me. Cry with me. Rejoice with me. "30 before 30." 1. Blog about Jackson's Life and Death 2. Read an "adult" book 3. Finish a 5k 4. Do a time capsule with my family 5. Wr...