Reflection

As I deeply reflect on the last 16 months of my life, my depression was slow cooking from the beginning. Half way through my pregnancy I made an unpopular decision that no one would let me forget. Being called stupid, bullied, harassed. Putting doubt and questioning me as a mother. Saying, "They hope my baby will be ok and not die!" And "don't come crawling back to your friends when something horrible happens." 

Guess what? Nothing "horrible" happened. Yes, it was excruciatingly painful. Yes, things could have gone differently. But I NEVER would have questioned those things not for you. Birth hurts. A posterior baby is hell on earth. Those are legit things. Had you all not questioned me I would not have questioned myself. If I went with another midwife would I had been 10 days over due? Would I had my water break for 10 hrs and no contractions? Would I push for 3 hours? Would it take me an hour to push out her head? Would it have taken me 30 minutes of crowing before she finally came out? Would it still have been the absolute worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life? Would I have trouble going to the bathroom weeks after delivery? These are absolutely irrational questions. Questions that I have. Questions that shook me to my core. 

I am not the same independent, trusting myself woman I was almost 6 months ago. I am a weak little girl melting down inside. Hitting rock bottom. I'm sad over a birth that I have no clue I would have even gotten. You put those thoughts there. I was confidant in my decision. But you just kept knocking and knocking me down. 

Congratulations. I regret my decision. I should have made a different one. I hope you are happy that I'm suffering from anxiety, depression and nursing aversion. I hope you are happy that I dread nursing my precious baby. I hope you are happy that I sometimes cry myself to sleep and yell at my children. I hope you are satisfied. 

I'm now trying to rebuild myself. Trying to be a better mom and wife and not melt down and loose it. I don't even know if I would choose to have another home birth. Even though it was exactly what I wanted and desired. 

I hate feeling this way. I'm on the outside looking in at my downward spiral life. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, sad and stressed out. 

Everything hits a little bit harder than it used too. And when I could normally hit right back I'm stuck in this corner. A corner I'm desperate to get out of. I want my life back. I don't want my girls asking what's wrong when I just sit and cry. I don't want to lie when I see friends out and they ask me how I am. A flash of everything comes to mind, but instead I smile and say Great! Fine! Even though I'm drowning inside. 

I will eventually be fine. But I'm pretty furious that I'm not and that I'm having to work so hard when I should be enjoying my 4 precious, adorable and loving children. This time I will never get back.