Momma Knight Owl

As I deeply reflect on the last 16 months of my life, my depression was slow cooking from the beginning. Half way through my pregnancy I made an unpopular decision that no one would let me forget. Being called stupid, bullied, harassed. Putting doubt and questioning me as a mother. Saying, "They hope my baby will be ok and not die!" And "don't come crawling back to your friends when something horrible happens."  Guess what? Nothing "horrible" happened. Yes, it was excruciatingly painful. Yes, things could have gone differently. But I NEVER would have questioned those things not for you. Birth hurts. A posterior baby is hell on earth. Those are legit things. Had you all not questioned me I would not have questioned myself. If I went with another midwife would I had been 10 days over due? Would I had my water break for 10 hrs and no contractions? Would I push for 3 hours? Would it take me an hour to push out her head? Would it have taken me 30 minutes of...

I am due to have my 4th baby girl in 4 days. I needed to do some last minute errands. My mother in law offered to watch my 3 girls so I could hurry and just get them done. I needed to go to the bank, get gas, go to fabric store and spend my kohls cash.  This was my plan all morning. The afternoon rolled around and I drove them over to drop them off. When I got there my 2 yr old was asleep. I decided I would just take her with me. She is rear facing and in the 3rd row.  I checked on her 1 last time to make sure she was really asleep and then pulled out. I drove for about 2 miles having major anxiety. I kept repeating in my head. You took bryn, you took bryn. I had planned all day to go alone and had a list a mile long. I kept thinking about all the excuses I could come up with if I happened to leave her in the car. It horrified me. I then pulled out my pin and wrote it on my hand.  This 30 minute drive made me feel like a horrible parent and was also a reality check on how...

I'm now just days away from my estimated due date. I'm nervous about what our new life will look like. I'm excited to heal from multiple traumatic births. I'm anxious to meet my newest precious princess. But most of all I'm great ful to carry another healthy baby girl and have the courage, strength and support to birth her at home.  I'm now questioning every contraction (which I have many) and tinge of pain. I'm checking for all the signs of early labor. This is the annoying fun part. She's keeping me on my toes. Will she be early? Late? On time? She has to be one of them :)  Her bed is clean and ready, clothes washed and set out for her first couple days, diapers are prepped and stuffed, video camera is charged, homebirth kit is ready and we finally have all the kinks worked out on filling the pool! We have our corner where the pool will go measured and cleared. The only thing left to do it wait. Something you can't prepare for. I'm Savoring eve...

A long long time ago :) 9 ish years ago, there was a boy and a girl sitting in a car talking and kissing. Savoring every moment until she had to run into her house to make curfew. Those lasts few moments she asked, "sing me something?"  Now the boy was not much of a singer and it took a little encouragement. But then suddenly, he belts out in a very low monotone voice... "You are my Sunshine my only sunshine. You make me happy when sky's are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. "  During their courtship this song was sung quite a few times with less encouragement each time. It was a special time.  Now, we are married and expecting our 4th little girl. He still sings this song to me. He sings it to our children and they sing it to us. Every night before bed, multiple times, in multiple keys sometimes multiple keys within one rendition we sing this song as a family. Miss Bryn sings it beautifully and one day...

After the birth of Brynlee I knew any subsequent pregnancies I wanted a home birth. Her labor and delivery opened my eyes and made me realize a hospital birth was not for me and I would NEVER allow any "professional" to treat me that way again!  When Bryn was over a year old I started becoming apart of our local homebirth community. Soaking in information asking some questions. I stayed in contact with Felicia (who was my doula) pretty regularly. I knew it was a matter of time before we would try again. I had certain things that needed to happen though before deciding on a fourth. 1st was to figure out my prolapse bladder issue, 2nd  working on my ph levels and 3rd, the big one, buying a house.  In August of 2013 we put a bid on a house. After counter offering lots of times we decided to back off. A week later we got a call that the seller wanted to work with us and accepted our highest offer. That's when the fun began. The last week of August I found out I was pregnant. ...