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Patrick's Birth Story

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Monday,  October 12th at 4:00 in the evening my contractions started. I was one week over due and ready to get the show on the road. Little did I know that Patrick wouldn't make his arrival until almost 34 hours later. My longest labor to date.  Early Tuesday morning (13th)  around 3am I told Aric that he should probably stay home from work. My contractions were the same. Hit or miss, but mostly 6-8 minutes apart and lasting over a minute. I knew that they weren't where they needed to be and was battling in my mind if I was just making all of it up. I was more worried about calling my birth team in too early then delivering a baby by myself. I decided that regardless I wanted someone to come check on me around the 24 hr mark. I just needed reassurance that I and baby were ok.  My amazing doula came around the 18 hr mark. Checked on me and took my girls apple picking. That left Aric and I alone for several hours. Contractions were still the same and with no signs of c...
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What's your 'Rainbow"

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I have a rainbow baby. She's 5. She radiates sunshine and joy. She came the very next cycle after an early miscarriage. I didn't even morn over this miscarriage until I had my second loss. I didn't even know of "rainbow babies" until I was 6 months pregnant. Bear with me as I go through my thought. I have had this ache for quite some time. Not really understanding it until a couple days ago. My Rainbow baby is my last. And here's the tricky part. Most of you that know me are aware that she's actually not the last. I have had 2, second trimester losses since her. I have 2 sons in heaven. Jackson and Hunter are not here with us. This longing I had to not stop my fertility on tragic loss... I believe stems from the fairy tale version of finally getting your rainbow baby. I make up a small percentage of families who have had children and then just all of a sudden can't anymore. With no reasons why. I have been struggling, longing to have this happy ver...
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Hunter Wesley Kassner

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It's been a week today since Hunter was delivered. Aric went back to work. I've spent the last hour meal planning with no restrictions because I'm not nauseous and sick to my stomach anymore. I've written a birth story about all my children and Hunter will be no different. From the beginning of this pregnancy I was terrified. I am no stranger to death and losing a child. I was experiencing panic attacks, night terrors, and heart palpitations. Trying to remain calm was just not going to happen. But somewhere between 14 weeks and last Friday, November 16th I had found hope again. Hope would then turn into devastation when we learned on Friday the 16th in the morning that once again my baby had died. At that time we didn't know if it was a boy or girl but this baby was with it's big brother Jackson in heaven. I called Aric and simply said, "you need to come home." and hung up. I didn't need to say anything else... he knew. I was given my options, ...
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After a Miscarriage

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I often find myself feeling like my baby wasn't baby enough. An early 2nd trimester loss is confusing for some people. It's not an early loss and it's not a full term baby. These are purely my own personal emotions. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Out of that 1 only 1% are after the first trimester. Such a small number but I personally know so many families walking the same path as me. I think people have a hard time grasping what an early 2nd trimester loss looks like. Most end with a surgical procedure, but we decided to go on a route less traveled. It took me 12 hours to dilate enough for Jackson to pass. 12 hours unmedicated. I didn't realize just how painful it was going to be. No pain compares to holding your son at a gestational age that many do not and will not get to see. I wasn't prepared. We weren't prepared and I'm going to share with you that it was traumatic. My brain and heart could not wrap around him. I felt like no matter what we would ha...
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Jackson's Life and Death

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    Sunday, December 4th I got that first faint positive pregnancy test. So faint in fact, that I thought I was having "line eyes" as my friends like to call it. Every morning for the next 4 days I would take a test. Each day the lines got darker. I was terrified. You see, just 4 months earlier we had an early miscarriage. I told Aric on that Friday and just cried while I sat on the kitchen island. That Night I went to our annual christmas ornament exchange and shared the good news with hesitation. I knew that I could lose the baby and tried to prepare myself. Monday and Wednesday that upcoming week I had Hcg levels drawn and confirmed a pregnancy. Still hesitaunt but trusting.      The first 2 weeks of my pregnancy were horrible. I had an extreme case of food poisoning. Nothing like I had ever gone through before. It took me over a month to heal from it. Christmas came and went and Aric and I enjoyed this secret we shared. Except Aricah, she knew from the b...
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